It has been far too long since I have written in my blog. I have NOT given up on my run, nor will I. However, I have had a rough month when it comes to motivation and diet. I feel like if I get these feelings out there, I can read it and make the changes needed. So here we go.
My entire life, I have struggled with my weight. Literally. Usually when people say this, they mean that they hit puberty, gained weight and have struggled with it ever since. I actually have struggled with it since I can remember. Every Halloween I wanted to be whatever Disney Princess was popular for that year. And the costumes never fit me. When all the kids in 5th grade started shopping at "Limited Two," I tried shopping there and nothing fit me. And when I got to high school, I tried buying my clothes at "Tilly's" like everyone else, and nothing. Looking back on this, I am glad I couldn't shop at those places, because instead I would just buy the clothes I liked and that made me happy. I was nerdy, wearing Winnie the Pooh overalls and Hot Topic clothes, but I love that I did that. It gave me a sense of originality! So, I am not saying I wish I had shopped there and regret what I wore. Not at all...Anyways, I digress.
The point is, that I have NEVER been small. I have always been slightly bigger then your average girl. This is all I have ever known. And I can make jokes, put on the brave face and say that I am 100% fine with it. I can say that I am big boned and have learned to accept it. If I am being completely honest, that would be 60% true. The other 40% of me, absolutely hates it. Despises it, loathes it, with every fiber of my being. Every time I go shopping and that cute top doesn't fit me. Every time I see a woman that has a cute figure. Every time I eat something I know I shouldn't. And every time, that little voice inside my head says, "It's just so unfair." EVERY TIME.
I have tried a million different diets, I have yo-yo'd from a size 8 to a size 18 over the past 15 years of my life. I have exercised for months, then gone months and even years without. It has caused me more tears, pain, hatred, and heartbreak then anything else that I have ever had to face. I fight it to this very day: My Weight. And now at 28 years old, I know exactly what I would have to do to fix it, and yet I fail every day at it. I eat what I shouldn't. I don't run consistently, like I tell myself I will. I go to Taco Bell, even though my brain is saying, "What the hell are you doing?!" I have come to realize that food is my addiction. And it is what is keeping me from being a healthy, active person.
When you have a problem in your life and you know the solution, you fix the problem right? Your car needs an oil change, you change it. You have a headache, you take some pain killers. So why is it, that we (as a society) can't change what we eat? We can't just say no to the fries and the frozen yogurt? We can't go to the grocery store and only buy veggies, and healthy foods? Because we are addicted. Now I'm not going to go on a rant about the government and the food industry, don't worry. But we all know the truth. We know it! We put bad food in our bodies, that are chemically designed to be addictive. There is no denying it, because it's science. But we keep eating it. I keep eating it. It's comfort food and let's be honest, it's freakin' delicious! I look forward to eating heavy, starch filled meals like pasta or breaded chicken way more then I look forward to eating salad. However, the way I feel after I eat all that stuff is significantly different then the way I feel after I eat veggies and simple pan-seared chicken. This is the fight I endure every day of my life. And I really, really want to change. I have to change. I want to feel healthy, on the inside and the outside. It's just going to be really, REALLY hard. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to tell me! I would love some input or some personal stories on how I can break this vicious cycle.
This is my plan. To be a better me, to eat better and to live better. This all goes with my journey to be a runner. But before I can be a real runner, I have got to figure out the fuel I am going to eat.
Thank you for listening to my very long rant guys...If anyone actually stuck around to read the whole thing. I know I have friends and family that understand these feelings..sometimes it's comforting or inspiring to know that there's other people who understand how you feel. :)
Until next time!!